dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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