just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
