Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
