...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize