how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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