I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
