Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
