Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
