Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
