I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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