You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
