As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
