One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
