i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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