Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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