defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
