i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
