Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
