yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
