he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
