Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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