There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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