im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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