she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
