well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
