life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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