Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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