Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
