My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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