wakey wakey hands off snakey
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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