You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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