god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
