Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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