I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
