i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
