I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
