Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
