If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
