I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
