yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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