Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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