why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize