hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
