Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
