I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
