i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize