I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
