the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize