I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Randomize
