sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
