She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
