wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize