I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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