My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
