Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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