I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
sarcasm needs its own font
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
