Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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