hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My breasts were aching with rage.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
