im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
