I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
vagina is talking i cant
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
