my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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