If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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