Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
