just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
