new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
