yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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